I have to say, the last few months have been a bit sad and depressing. There's a waiting period every month when I don't know if I'm pregnant so I act as if I am just to be safe. I drink mostly water, don't take any medicine pregnant women aren't supposed to take, and don't eat any food that's no good for pregnant women. And then a couple of weeks later, I find out it was all for nothing. That's been the cycle for the last several months.
The first month we tried, I was convinced that I was in fact pregnant and I was experiencing the same things I did with Korben that I didn't recognize when I was pregnant with him. Every time I went to Target I would see all this cute newborn stuff and wonder if I was having a girl or another boy and couldn't wait to find out so I could buy all of those adorable tiny newborn things. Then it turned out that I wasn't pregnant. I was heart broken and vowed not to get my hopes up like that again. Well, that's easier said than done. While I've been doing my best to convince myself that I'm NOT pregnant every month, it's still a heart breaker when that dreaded period comes along and confirms that there is no baby.
I looong for another baby. For Korben to have a sibling. For everything that comes with a newborn.... at this point, even the long sleepless nights and 2:00am feedings! I had a break down this morning. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't happening... even with the silly ovulation predictor thing, we can't get pregnant. But in the midst of the tearful break down, I realized that there is a "science" to having babies only because HE made it that way! HE is the creator of ALL life and it will happen when and only when HE wants it to. I have to give up on MY plan. I have to give in to HIS will and HIS plan for me and my family because His is much better and much greater. So today I will remember that He has blessed me with so much more than I deserve. Today I will be thankful for the family and blessings that He has already so graciously blessed me with! And may He get the glory for it all.
4 comments:
What a great reminder for us all!! So sorry these past few months have been hard! Praying for you sweet friend! Call if you need anything or just want to talk!! Love you!
So sorry, Cassi! I love you girl and I'm here for you!
((HUGS)) hun I know that feeling :( It took us a little while with Landon, and looking back it wasnt THAT long--but 1 month feels like an eternity when you want to be preggo! I hope you get pregnant REALLY fast! I'll pass my pregnancy stick on to you--if Kellen will just let go of it now!
Hi there.
I felt lead to comment to encourage you. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 4 years now. I know that doesn't mean anything, in the scheme of, when you are ready to get pregnant, even just a few months can feel like years! But I want to encourage you in the fact that you are completely right with knowing that no matter what, it is up to God's will. That has been a hard pill to swallow for my husband and I, but month after month, we still continue to know that God is in control, and wish for His will to be done. It is hard to release our plans. As you can imagine, my plan was quite different than how it has turned out for us. But looking back, through the pain and tears, there is beauty that was created by God forcing us to wait. Each month will bring a new wave of sadness if it was not meant for your baby to come that month, but through the grieving, always remain hopeful. Hope and Faith, somehow, come bubbling up. That is God's gift to us.
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