Not My Will

I had a plan. Josh and I were going to get pregnant the first week in September right after we went bungee jumping for our anniversary and I was going to have a baby around May/June and avoid summer pregnancy all together. And Korben was going to have a sibling close in age so they could have some common ground and be best friends. When we were trying to get pregnant the first time, it happened right away so of course it would be just as easy the second time around, right? No. Today those pregnancy dreams were crushed again.

I have to say, the last few months have been a bit sad and depressing. There's a waiting period every month when I don't know if I'm pregnant so I act as if I am just to be safe. I drink mostly water, don't take any medicine pregnant women aren't supposed to take, and don't eat any food that's no good for pregnant women. And then a couple of weeks later, I find out it was all for nothing. That's been the cycle for the last several months.

The first month we tried, I was convinced that I was in fact pregnant and I was experiencing the same things I did with Korben that I didn't recognize when I was pregnant with him. Every time I went to Target I would see all this cute newborn stuff and wonder if I was having a girl or another boy and couldn't wait to find out so I could buy all of those adorable tiny newborn things. Then it turned out that I wasn't pregnant. I was heart broken and vowed not to get my hopes up like that again. Well, that's easier said than done. While I've been doing my best to convince myself that I'm NOT pregnant every month, it's still a heart breaker when that dreaded period comes along and confirms that there is no baby.

I looong for another baby. For Korben to have a sibling. For everything that comes with a newborn.... at this point, even the long sleepless nights and 2:00am feedings! I had a break down this morning. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't happening... even with the silly ovulation predictor thing, we can't get pregnant. But in the midst of the tearful break down, I realized that there is a "science" to having babies only because HE made it that way! HE is the creator of ALL life and it will happen when and only when HE wants it to. I have to give up on MY plan. I have to give in to HIS will and HIS plan for me and my family because His is much better and much greater. So today I will remember that He has blessed me with so much more than I deserve. Today I will be thankful for the family and blessings that He has already so graciously blessed me with! And may He get the glory for it all.

My ex-lover, Sleep

I once had a secret lover... his name was Sleep. But Sleep has left me. And I can't even blame it on Korben.... as much of a mess as he is during the day, he's sleeping through the night until about 8:00am every morning. For a while, I was waking up several times in the middle of the night and I thought that was bad...but at least I was able to fall back asleep fairly quickly. Now, my body has like some sort of deal that it only falls asleep one time a day. If I wake up at any point during that sleep time, it's over. A couple of nights ago, I fell asleep on the couch... Josh woke me up around 11:00 to go to bed but it was 3:30am before I actually fell back asleep. Last night, I woke up at 12:30 and it was 5:30am before I finally fell back asleep! That's right, I was up for 5 HOURS in the middle of the night! Ugh, not fun...not fun at all. This morning really wasn't as bad... I got to sleep until 6:00am before the alarm woke me up when Josh got up for work. But even then, when Josh goes to work, I can usually just go right back to sleep... not today. What's so hard about it?? You close you eyes and sleep just comes right? When did it stop being so easy??? And why?? And will sleep ever visit me again?? Oh, how I hope it does! And soon! In the mean time, I guess I'll catch up on some reading and blogging.

Santa!

2nd Annual Gingerbread House Party

Today marked our 2nd anuual gingerbread grahm cracker house party! This is a tradition that Jennie had growing up and now we get to share that fun tradition with her! Last year, Korben was the only mobile kid there so while the other babies were sleeping in their mommies laps, I was chasing crawling Korben around the house. Well this year, EVERY kid was mobile so it was a lot more chaotic and a lot more fun! I got a good laugh at the other girls getting to go through what I did last year! :) It was a fun day filled with warm apple cider, a yummy lunch, good laughs, and lots and lots of candy! I can't wait until our kids are old enough to help us build these houses!

The "before"

and the "after" (minus Lisa and Hadley)

Notice how the girls are cheezing it up for the camera and the boys could care less! :)

Silly boy with his expressions :)